Why I Disappeared

I’ve started a blog explaining my disappearance a million times. I find myself getting irritated and walking away. In fact, I just listened to the podcast of the service that made me leave and I’m angry all over again… Apparently, everything I ever do will be out of selfish ambitions (Nearly verbatim what the pastor said.) According to him, I am incapable of true love because I don’t believe in God.
It’s one thing to say you shouldn’t love “this way” (Same-sex marriage) and a completely different thing to say you aren’t “capable” of truly loving anything. According to that service my love for my son has a selfish ulterior motive, my love for my husband has a selfish ulterior motive, my love for the rest of my family and friends has a selfish ulterior motive… Heck, there’s some warped selfish ulterior motive to loving my dogs (Maybe it’s the urine pedicure my not-house-broken dog treats me to in the morning).After all of the incredible people I met, a statement like that really makes a person step back and think… All the smiles, the friendliness, the welcoming, the acceptance – Was it all an act? Are they all just being fake? I’d say I loved going, but ya know, the pastor says I’m not capable of it (Can you read the irritation in that?) After that service I left just feeling like I had been conned. It was an uncalled for statement/tangent. It was self-aggrandizing. And quite frankly, I haven’t been able to find one other Christian person that stood behind that statement.

On to checking out Royal Rangers and Awana in hopes that they’re a little more humble.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. justindailey (@justindailey)
    Nov 17, 2015 @ 15:28:04

    This latest blog just came across my desk. I hate that one statement seemed to unravel some meaningful times and relationships. There was bound to come a point where we disagreed based on our beliefs but that never has to end relationship. I just listened to the full message again as well. I see exactly why you are frustrated. If I held the same belief system as you then I would totally agree with you. I can even agree that there are always better ways to say things and that I screw up all the time. However, I do stand behind the doctrine that “God is love” and apart from an authentic relationship with Him we are incapable of that type of love. I would be happy to discuss anytime. I hope and pray we see you and your son again soon. This was a place where you had many authentic relationships and one phrase or disagreement shouldn’t change that. Have a great week!

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    • PinkAppleEatr
      Nov 17, 2015 @ 19:50:54

      I’d like to start by saying I’m astounded you personally responded. I’ve made sure to exclude the location, the name of the church, and names of people at the church. It’s not like you had to defend the church against me. And! I simply didn’t expect it to ever reach you specifically.

      I wholeheartedly expected to disagree with a lot of things at any church I chose to bring my son to. I disagree with the Christian stance on same-sex marriage, abstinence until marriage, no cohabitation before marriage, and I’m sure there’s more. The fact that I disagree with so much is why I wanted to personally attend the church instead of just dropping off my son. I wanted to hear the words expressed by believers so I could explain it to my son when he starts asking questions.

      I don’t know if you’re familiar with the song “Hell to the Naw Naw” by Bishop Bullwinkel on YouTube or not, but the man that sings it refers to homosexuals as “faggots and bull dykes.” When you gave the service after the Supreme Court ruling I was floored by your message. In summary, I took it as “it’s not your place to judge just because you sin differently.” I was flabbergasted that the same pastor I had been listening to every Sunday was the one delivering the message that made me decide to leave.

      Men always want to be the knight in shining armor for their spouses. Should she ever need rescuing, he’s ready and willing to lay down his life for her. What started out as a funny conversation about the zombie apocalypse and tripping people to distract the zombies quickly turned serious between my husband and I. I don’t EVER want him to risk his life to save me. Not from a burning building, not if I’m swept out by rip tide, and not even if I’m staring down the barrel of a gun. It’s not because I want to die, I’m by far not suicidal. It’s because I know my son would be better off if my husband survived my passing than if I survived the passing of my husband. Knowing I had convinced my husband that it would be ideal to let me die if it meant him surviving, it was crushing to hear you say “incapable of truly loving.” I know how much I love the people in my life and I know that I only listened to you Sunday after Sunday out of love for my son and the beliefs that he holds.

      I can understand a belief that love fueled by a higher power is “like no other” (For lack of a better way to describe it.) I’m truly stuck on the verbiage “incapable.” I can agree that my love for people isn’t fueled by a higher power, just me, but it’s free from ulterior motives and selfish ambitions.

      In short, I’m insanely analytical. There is a huge difference between “incapable of truly loving” and “incapable of that type of love” to me. I will have to keep in mind that you are not an infallible being if I come back (I stopped putting I’m not available on Sundays on job applications when I stopped going.)

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